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Life Lessons: Joseph Shrand, MD

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May NOT include discs, access code or other supplemental materials. From: HPB Inc. Dallas, TX, U. Condition: Fine. Connecting readers since Includes supplemental or companion materials if applicable. Customer service is our top priority. Add to cart. Be the first to write a review About this product. About this product Product Information Overcome underlying sources of fear and anxiety with the five proven techniques of Dr. Joseph Shrand s I-Maximum Approach. Some fears are genetically wired. Others begin in childhood or adolescence and may leave us feeling inadequate to face the dangerous unknown.

Shrand, a leading expert on the psychology of fear, teaches us how to use the rational parts of our brain to change our perspective and respond rationally to fears as they present themselves. Shrand s iMaximum resiliency-based approach starts with the assumption that we re all doing the best we can with what we know at any given time.

Using this mindset as a foundation, this model features five proven strategies to: find better ways to connect with others to reduce feartransform fear into trustexplore our biological responses to fearlook at the role of social groups and society in fostering fearexamine the role of fear in our childhood and home life. By developing a radical self-acceptance that allows us to step back and question our fearful thoughts, we can confront and process them in healthier ways, leading to a better, more confident self. Additional Product Features Dewey Edition. Shrand has written a wise book that can help to recognize and deal with fear, when it is not serving our best interests.

Komaroff, M. Shrand gets well beneath the surface and illuminates one of our most basic and misunderstood emotions. The Fear Reflex reminds us in very delicate and compassionate language what it means to be human. Beyond attachment styles, the way you were offered love is also of relevance. If you were only offered love when you were 'good', and were not offered unconditional love and taught that you were acceptable regardless of your emotional state, you were essentially taught not only to 'earn' love but that being yourself was not a good idea. So as an adult these patterns, unless recognised and dealt with, will continue to pervade your relationships.

You will feel scared to be yourself, meaning you can't let people too close. You will also likely have deep rooted unconscious core beliefs about not being loveable which means if someone tries, thus going against your true feelings about yourself, you will find it hard to believe them.

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OR you will try to win love by pleasing instead of being yourself codependency or only love somoone if they stay at arm's length counterdependency. Childhood trauma is another factor which can damage your ability to trust others as an adult, regardless of a secure attachment as an infant. All forms of abuse — sexual, physical, and emotional — can cause deep damage to a child's ability to trust others or feel safe to be themselves. According to attachment theory, intimacy issues mostly stem from the years between birth and aged three.

This gives us a safe 'base' from which to then explore the world. But sometimes a primary caregiver does not give us the care we need, or gives it in an unreliable fashion we can't trust. They are insensitive and unpredicatble, either because they have psychological or health issues, are handling extreme life stress like a divorce or poverty, have addictions, or are just incapable of parenting and tend to be too controlling or just unable to understand you.

As a child, in order to survive, you then learn not to rely on others. You might even decide not to even try to be loved because your fear of being hurt, rejected, or punished becomes so great. The result is that you grow into an adult who doesn't have the 'secure' attachment style those with easy intimacy skills do.

The Fear Reflex: 5 Ways to Overcome It and Trust Your Imperfect Self

Instead, you are likely to suffer from 'anxious' attachment, meaning intimacy causes you anxiety that leads to patterns of pushing and pulling. Sometimes a fear of intimacy is a result of, or occurs in conjunction with, another pyschological issue or disorder.

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The following can all cause intimacy issues:. And then there are personality disorders, all of which tend to affect the way one relates to others, as outlined in the next section.


A personality disorder means you habitually think and act in ways that deviate from what is considered "normal". This means others don't know how to take you, and at the same time you might find the way everyone else acts confusing. Understandably this dynamic can leave someone with a personality disorder with great difficulty relating - in fact most personality disorders have at their heart issues with connecting with others. Avoidant personality disorde r sees sufferers longing to be liked, but with deep feelings of being unacceptable.

This means they often believe that relationships cause such hurt they are better avoided. So those who have BPD have a history of short-lived dramatic romantic relationships which often cause severe anxiety, hypersensitivity, and impulsive behaviour. They are prone to pushing others away then chasing them and begging them back.

They also deify their partners and miss obvious flaws. Their deep need for excitement also sees them act in overly sexual, inappropriate ways.

Schizoid personality disorder leaves you preferring to be alone with the world inside your head, which can feel more fascinating than other people, whose opinions you are not concerned with. This disorder involves not understanding or feeling emotions and finding sex difficult to be interested in. This of course means relationships cause anxiety.


Narcissistic personality disorder means you don't have the empathy others naturally have so take advantage of others over foster any form or real trust and intimacy. Paranoid personality disorder leaves you deeply suspicious of everyone, especially sexual partners, and taking even casual comments as a form of belittlement. Antisocial personality disorder causes you to be easily frustrated by the opinions of others and easily angered, meaning you can't sustain any close relationships as you are too volatile for others to tolerate.

Because having a fear of intimacy is so linked to difficult childhood experiences and trauma, it is not something you can just 'think' your way out of or 'decide' to no longer have. Self help can be a great start. Reading about what intimacy is and what healthy, authentic relationships look like can start to shift your ideas about relating see the resources section below for places to start.

But even if you understand the mechanisms of fear of intimacy it can be hard to stop old ways of behaving.

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The support that counselling or psychotherapy offers is, therefore, highly recommended for those who struggle allowing others close. Therapy offers you a new perspective on yourself, a safe environment to discover your issues and challenge your old beliefs, support to stand firm in the face of your anxiety and not run from love, and clarity so you you don't revert to self-blame quite common in those who suffer from fear of intimacy.

Even better, the therapist-client relationship can be a way to try out new ways of relating and trusting. But some therapies also focus almost exclusively on the way you relate to others. Long-term therapies that work on your relating skills include:. It helps you regulate your emotions and impulses, which are often the very things that cause you to push the ones you love away. It helps you identify and change the pattern you are acting out with others. CAT then works to understand how these patterns developed in your past, and also places importance on the relationship and interactions you have with your therapist as a sort of sounding board for your relating skills.

Not dealing with a fear of intimacy doesn't necessarily mean you won't be a functioning human being. You might be very successful in your career still, and you might even have many relationships in life, even if they are not as promising as you wish they were. But fear of intimacy, and less than fulfilling relationships with others, do place you at a higher risk for anxiety disorders, depression, and addictions. Again, the truth is that feeling understood and cared for does tend to benefit us both emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically. It is easier to live life with the true support of others we can be ourselves around than to live only having ourselves to truly turn to.

Self-help books. Carter, Stephen and Julia Sokol.